Why Perfectionism May Be Hurting Your Return to Work and Early Parenthood
Returning to work after having a baby is hard. Being a working parent is hard. You want to grow your career and also be present with your child. Yet no one teaches you how to integrate these two demanding worlds.
Many new parents naturally lean on perfectionism. It feels safe, but it backfires. As a recovering perfectionist who has returned to work twice after maternity leave—once in BigLaw and once in tech—and now as a coach, I’ve seen firsthand how perfectionism does more harm than good in that first year back.
When I had my first baby, I was a senior associate on the partnership track in BigLaw. From the outside, it looked like I was doing great. I had a healthy baby, a supportive spouse, and generous leave. But inside, I felt anxious and overwhelmed almost all the time. I was worried I was failing as both a lawyer and a new mother. Ironically, the perfectionism that had fueled my success in BigLaw now worked against me in my return to work and during my first year back. After my maternity leave, I charged ahead—determined to prove I was still the same lawyer I’d been before. I constantly compared myself to peers without kids, worked late into the night, and ignored how depleted I felt. I never spoke about my struggles to anyone, and, within six months of returning to work, I was burned out and left the firm.
That experience was a wake-up call for me. It taught me that perfectionism isn’t a strength—it’s a trap. And the good news is, there’s another way forward.
What Perfectionism Looks Like
Perfectionism means striving for an impossibly high standard where you never feel satisfied. In my case, it meant believing the voice in my head that whispered I had to be an A+ lawyer and an A+ mother at the same time. No matter how much I did, it never felt like enough. Even during downtime, I couldn’t switch off. I was either obsessing over unfinished work or spiraling into mom guilt. It was exhausting and isolating.
For new parents, it often shows up as:
Unrealistic expectations: believing you’ll work like you never had a baby and parent like you don’t work.
All-or-nothing thinking: feeling like you’re either excelling at everything or failing everywhere.
Self-criticism: assuming something is wrong with you if you’re struggling or making mistakes.
Comparison: believing other working parents have it all figured out.
Overcompensating: pushing harder at work and at home.
Neglecting self-care: treating rest and joy as luxuries you can’t afford.
Going it alone: thinking you should handle everything without help.
Do you notice any of these in your own thoughts or behaviors? If so, you are not alone. Perfectionism is common because it’s a coping mechanism many high achievers relied on in their careers before having kids.
Why Perfectionism is Harmful
Research has shown that perfectionism is linked to higher rates of postpartum depression. The more new mothers believe that they have to meet unrealistic parenting standards, the more they experience sadness, guilt, and defeat. Add workplace pressure to parenting perfectionism, and the cost can be overwhelming.
I knew those costs personally—when I returned to work after my first child, I constantly felt overwhelmed, and I thought quitting was the only solution. But over time, I learned that there is a better way. Below are the eight strategies I wish I had known about as a new mother.
8 Strategies to Choose Health Over Perfectionism
Letting go of perfectionism doesn’t mean lowering your standards or caring less. It means setting the right bar.
After leaving BigLaw, I eventually transitioned to an in-house role at a technology company. By the time I returned to work after my second child, I approached the transition differently. This time, I worked with a coach to set a healthier bar—what I came to call my “Path B.” For me, “Path B” meant giving myself permission to temporarily scale back my billable hours, choose assignments more intentionally, and stop working every night. I turned off notifications during family time and let my team know when I’d be offline. Most importantly, I stopped trying to prove I was the same lawyer—and started focusing on what truly mattered to my family and me. I reminded myself that my ambition hadn’t disappeared; it had evolved. That mindset shift changed everything for me and my family.
Here are some practical ways to start.
1. Know the Truth
Myth: being perfect at work and home will help my transition. It will help me be a better working parent.
Truth: No, it won’t. The more you chase it, the harder it gets.Myth: Others expect me to be perfect.
Truth: No, they don’t. They expect you to do your work well and communicate clearly about your realistic bandwidth.
2. Reset Your Expectations
You can’t return to work as if nothing has changed. You and your priorities have definitely changed, and that is a good thing. This is a time to embrace your “Path B” for now.
Try this:
Don’t strive to match your pre-baby work pace right away. Ease back in. It’s okay to take on fewer projects or say no to extras.
Expect bumps. Discomfort means you’re doing something new, not something wrong.
Expect mistakes. Forgetting daycare supplies or overlooking a task at work doesn’t mean you’re failing—it means you’re human.
3. Embrace Trade-offs
You won’t feel like you’re excelling everywhere every day. That doesn’t mean you’re failing.
Try this:
Recognize you can have everything you want, but not all at the same time.
Some days work wins, other days family does. Measure success over weeks or months, not hours.
Celebrate what you got done.
4. Stand Your Ground
That loud inner voice that says “you’re failing” or “others have it all figured out” is wrong.
Try this:
Remind yourself that you are not a lesser worker after kids. You are stronger and more resilient.
Talk to yourself like you would to a friend. Self-compassion boosts motivation and resilience.
Share openly with other working parents. You’ll quickly learn they face the same struggles.
Ask for feedback from your manager to stay aligned and supported.
5. Prioritize Ruthlessly
More hours won’t fix overwhelm. Overcompensating makes it worse.
Try this:
Work smarter, not harder.
Remember: there will always be too much to do. Your job isn’t to check off everything on your to-do list. Instead, focus on the few things that are truly important and do those.
Ask yourself, “Does this task advance my career, give me time with my kids, or spark joy?” If not, say no for now, or delegate it.
6. Speak Up About Boundaries
Don’t assume others know what you need.
Try this:
Tell your team when you need to leave or when you’ll be offline.
Put important family events on your calendar.
Talk to your manager about your workload and what feels realistic.
7. Engage in Self-Care
Rest, movement, and joy are not nice-to-haves. They’re necessities.
Try this:
Identify your non-negotiables.
Block them on your calendar like any other meeting.
Remember: no one knows what you need except you.
8. Build Your “A Team”
You don’t have to carry this season alone. Asking for help is a strength.
Try this:
At work, cultivate relationships that can support you.
At home, divide chores with your partner and outsource where possible.
Seek out a support system ranging from babysitters to coaches.
Final Thoughts
Perfectionism is an impossible standard. By resetting expectations, embracing trade-offs, and asking for help, you can return to work—and continue your career as a working parent—in a way that’s both sustainable and empowering. That’s how you thrive as a professional and a parent in your first year back and beyond.
I’m a lawyer turned executive coach who believes you can do both—continue growing the career you’ve built while parenting in the way that feels right for you. Drawing on my own experience and research, I have developed a proprietary approach to help working parents navigate the transition after having children and thrive in their careers. If you’re ready for support, drop me a note through the Contact page.
